


Three Times

by AutisticWriter



Category: The Fast Show
Genre: (at first) and then, Anaphylaxis, Blood, Crying, Daydreaming, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Men Crying, Mental Health Issues, One Shot Collection, One-Sided Attraction, Phone Calls & Telephones, Serious Injuries, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-10-20
Packaged: 2018-08-16 21:07:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,739
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8117608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AutisticWriter/pseuds/AutisticWriter
Summary: Three times Ted saved Ralph’s life and the one time (so far) Ralph returned the favour.





	1. First Time

When Ralph is twenty, he tries to kill himself. His parents tell everyone that he has the ‘flu, but Ted knows the truth, because he was the one who saved him. He remembers the phone call that inadvertently saved Ralph’s life, and even now, a day later, it still makes him want to cry.

_It took a long time for Ralph to pick up, but, finally, Ted got through to him._

_“Hello, sir?” He said._

_He could hear Ralph breathing rapidly and heavily. When he spoke, his voice was shaking._

_“Ted? Is th-that you?”_

_“Yes, it’s me, sir. I just wanted to see how you were. How’re you feeling? Have you got more friends than last time I called?”_

_“Not really,” Ralph said, sighing. “Things aren’t too good.”_

_“Really? What’s the matter?”_

_“Ted . . . I’ve done s-something really s-stupid,” Ralph said, and Ted realised, with a sense of horror, that Ralph was crying. His voice was thick, and there were shaky sobs coming down the phone line._

_“What? Sir, why are you crying?”_

_He was sobbing hysterically now; Ted could hardly understand what he was saying._

_“Sir?”_

_“Ted, I, I . . . I’ve sl-slit my wrists.”_

_“What!” Ted felt his chest tighten; his stomach churned like he was going to be sick. The thought that the young man he was talking to was bleeding out was terrifying._

_“Please don’t be angry,” Ralph sobbed._

_“I’m not angry, sir, I’m not. Look, I’m going to hang up and then call an ambulance. Just hang on, sir, and someone’ll be there to help you soon.”_

_“’M sorry, Ted,” Ralph gasped._

_“It’s all right, sir,” Ted said, and he put the phone down, only to pick it up again and call an ambulance. His hands were shaking violently. He’d never been so frightened in all his life._

Even now, as he stands outside Ralph’s room in the psychiatric unit of their local hospital, he finds himself trembling and his eyes stinging. It’s just so hard to believe that Master Ralph could have slit his wrists. He hadn’t realised that Ralph was mentally ill, although, when he thinks about it, there were signs. How did no one notice them? How did he not notice them?

Taking a deep breath, Ted opens the door and enters the room. It’s a small side room, and the blinds are down, so it’s pretty dark. Ralph is on his back, staring blankly up at the ceiling. His arms are resting on top of the bed sheets, and Ted wants to cry when he sees the bandages around his wrists. There is a drip sticking out of his arm; Ted wonders if he had a blood transfusion when they brought him in last night. He probably did; he must’ve lost an awful lot of blood.

Ralph must hear his footsteps, because he turns his head towards him. He smiles when he sees Ted stood in the doorway.

“Ted!” He cries hoarsely.

Ted smiles weakly.

“Hello, sir,” he says softly.

He goes and sits down on one of the two plastic chairs beside Ralph’s bed. Now he is closer to Ralph, he can see his eyes are swollen and red from all the crying he must have done, and he has dark smudges underneath them. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days.

“It’s great to see you, sir,” he says. “You’re looking good.”

That’s a lie; Ralph looks awful, but he isn’t going to say that. Ralph smiles weakly at him.

“It’s great to see you too. Are Mother and Father going to visit me, Ted?” He asks.

Ted thinks about what he overheard (he wasn’t eavesdropping; they were just talking really loudly) when he went up to the manor this morning. Mr and Mrs Mayhew were discussing what to tell their friends and family about Ralph’s hospitalisation; they ended up deciding to tell everyone that Ralph has the ‘flu. Considering this, Ted doesn’t think they have the best attitude towards mental illness. It doesn’t seem too likely that they’ll come and visit their son, and he hates them for it.

Sighing, Ted decides to be honest. “I don’t think so, sir.”

Ralph sighs too, but he doesn’t look too disappointed. Ted has a feeling that he’s been expecting his answer.

“I didn’t think they would,” he says. “But I’m really glad you’re here, Ted.”

Ralph reaches out a bandaged arm and rests his hand on Ted’s. Smiling, Ted moves his hand and carefully clasps Ralph’s hand, squeezing it slightly.

“Thank you, Ted,” Ralph says weakly, his puffy eyes welling up with tears all over again. “You saved my life.”

“It’s nothing, sir,” Ted says, and he has to blink rapidly to stop himself breaking down too.


	2. Second Time

One day, Ralph persuades Ted to walk up into town with him. Ted thinks it’s just a trip to have a look at the paint in B&Q, which they are going to do, to be fair, but Ralph hasn’t told him of his plan to take Ted out afterwards for a meal. He knows Ted will refuse if he tells him, so he’s keeping his plans a surprise.

As they walk along, Ralph finds himself preoccupied with thoughts about how to ask Ted if he can hold his hand. He’s thought about this a lot in the past, but he’s never got up the courage to do it, or Ted has flinched at the sudden touch and put moved his hand so Ralph can’t reach it. He hopes that won’t happen this time and —

“Ralph!”

All of a sudden, Ralph hears tires squealing and a horn honking, and arms wrap around his chest and pull him backwards. A car rushes by, right in front of him, almost clipping his foot.

“You fucking idiot!” Someone yells, sounding like they’re quite far away.

Stumbling, dazed and unsteady, Ralph glances around, and sees Ted is the one holding onto him. Ted lets go of him, stepping backwards quickly, staring at Ralph with a scared expression on his face.

“Ted, what’s the matter?” Ralph says, not understanding what the hell is going on.

“You nearly got run over, sir,” Ted says, his eyes wider than usual.

“What?”

“You weren’t looking where you were going, sir. You stepped out into the road without looking and . . . nearly got hit.”

“Bloody hell,” Ralph exhales slowly. “And you grabbed me to stop me getting hit?”

Ted nods. “Yes, sir.”

Ralph smiles. “You saved my life?”

Ted looks down at the pavement, his cheeks going a bit red. “Well, I wouldn’t say that, sir, but I did stop that car hitting you.”

Ralph beams at him, knowing, regardless of what Ted says, that Ted just saved his life. And, if it’s even possible, it makes him love Ted even more.


	3. Third Time

Ted looks up as Ralph approaches him at the edge of the garden. He’s spent most of the morning trying to chop down a tree that half fell over in last week’s storm, with limited success. So it comes as a relief to see Ralph, as it means he’s going to get some time out of doing this totally pointless job.

“Hello, Ted!” Ralph calls, waving to him as he stumbles towards him, sounding out of breath.

“Hello, sir,” he says, smiling.

“How’s it going?”

Ted gestures at the tree behind him, which looks almost the same as it did the last time Ralph saw it. He must be pulling a face, because Ralph smiles sympathetically at him.

“Never mind, eh,” he says. “Ted . . . would you like to come into the house for a nice cold drink? It’s bloody hot out here, isn’t it?”

Ted smiles, but looks down at the axe on the floor by his feet, and sighs. “It’s a nice offer, sir, but I think I’d better get on with this for now.”

Ralph’s face falls, but then he smiles again. “Fair enough. I guess I’ll see you later then—”

But Ralph never finishes his sentence, because . . .

“Ow!” Suddenly, Ralph cries out and flinches, making Ted jump.

He reaches up at the back of his neck and rubs it. A look of complete terror suddenly crosses his face.

“Ted,” he says, but he trails off, making a funny noise as he breathes in.

Ted looks at Ralph’s face, and he instantly knows that something is very wrong. His lips look swollen, and so do his eyes. His skin is going red, especially on his forehead. Ralph tries to breathe, but it comes out as a strange, rasping gasp. He reaches up and wraps his hands around his neck, showing Ted his hands are swollen too.

“Sir? What’s wrong?”

“Ted,” he says thickly, his tongue sounding like it’s gone numb. He tries to say something else, but it comes out as a mumble that Ted doesn’t understand, his tongue lolling out of his mouth briefly and looking horribly swollen. It looks like he’s having an allergic reaction . . .

It suddenly hits Ted, and he wonders how he could’ve been so bloody stupid. Ralph is allergic to wasps. He must’ve been stung, because he looks like he’s going into anaphylactic shock. Ted tries to remember what he should do, thinking back to the last time this happened, over twenty years ago, but trying not to think about how terrifying it was to witness.

Ralph stumbles backwards into a tree, gasping for breath, his eyes so swollen he looks like he’s been punched, his lips puffed up. He looks like he’s getting hives, because his red forehead has started going bumpy. His breathing is awful; Ralph keeps gripping his neck as he gasps for breath, pure terror in his eyes.

“It’s all right, sir,” he says. “Just try to breathe. You’ll be all right.”

Ted grabs Ralph’s arm to stop him falling, and eases him to the ground, helping him lean back against the wonky tree. His face is so swollen now that he barely looks like Ralph, and he’s started drooping, looking like he’s close to passing out.

Finally, just when he’s getting really scared, Ted remembers something, and relief floods through him. He digs his hand into Ralph’s inside blazer pocket, and finds what he’s looking for: Ralph’s Epi-pen.

“It’s all right, sir, I know what to do,” he says to Ralph, who is now leaning his head back against the tree and sobbing as he tries to breathe.

Taking a deep breath, Ted takes the cap off of the pen and jabs it into the side of Ralph’s thigh, right through his trousers. Ralph winces, but then he seems to relax slightly. Ted hopes he isn’t imagining it.

Hoping he’s done it right, Ted bends the now useless needle over on itself by pressing it against the tree, and, putting the cap on, shoves the now equally useless Epi-pen into his pocket.

“I’ve done your Epi-pen, sir,” he says to Ralph, and he’s surprised to find his voice shaking.

Ralph opens his swollen eyes and looks at him. His breathing sounds better already. He manages to smile at Ted, and that smile makes him want to cry. He mumbles something with his swollen tongue, which is still flopping out of his mouth, and Ted thinks he might be saying, “Thank you, Ted,” although he might be imagining it.

After a while, Ralph starts to look better. He still looks puffy, but his face isn’t as swollen, and his hives seem smaller and less red. But this biggest success is his breathing; he can now breathe without having to grab his neck, and he no longer looks like he’s about to pass out.

Now Ralph is looking better, Ted starts to wonder why they should do next. He knows that Ralph doesn’t need to go to hospital, because he’s recovering, but he knows staying out here in the heat won’t make him feel better. He should probably take Ralph back up to the big house, but it’s too far a walk for him like this.

Ted deliberates for a couple of minutes, before deciding that —

“I’m going to take you to cottage, sir,” he says, keeping his voice soft.

Ralph smiles weakly, and manages to stutter and lisp a, “Th-Th-Thankssss . . . T-Ted.”

Ted smiles too. “Come on then,” he says, standing up.

After helping Ralph to his feet, he half-drags Ralph all the way across the field, and down the path to his cottage. Ralph’s feet are dragging along the gravel path, scuffing his posh shoes and coating them with dust. He keeps groaning, and he is still gasping slightly as he breathes. Once they reach the door, Ted knocks on the door with his free hand, and Ralph sighs, probably with relief.

Esther actually screams when she opens the door and looks at Ralph.

“What the . . .?” she gasps, not seeming to know what to say. Ralph smiles at her, seemingly oblivious to how terrified she looks (and how awful he looks, for that matter).

“Anaphylactic shock,” Ted says, his voice straining as he struggles to keep Ralph upright. He’s getting more and more mobility back, but he is still slumped against Ted, and, as he is bigger than him, it’s really starting to hurt Ted’s back.

Esther must remember the last time Ralph got stung (he was twenty five, and was down in the cottage having a cooking lesson from Esther, when a wasp flew into the kitchen and stung his arm. Ted, who was on his day off, came into the room as they both panicked, and, between them, he and Esther managed to use his Epi-pen and save him), because she no longer looks scared, and instead just stares at them both with a pitying expression.

“Jesus Christ,” she says, reaching out and taking Ralph’s arm. “Come in.”

Relived to have some of Ralph’s weight off of him, Ted tightens his grip on Ralph’s other arm and they both help him walk into the cottage. Esther leads them into the living room, and they help Ralph sit on the sofa. He rubs his swollen, tear-filled eyes with the back of his equally swollen hand. He looks so much better now, but he still looks dreadful.

“You poor thing,” Esther says, sitting down beside Ralph and patting his arm. Then she looks at Ted, and smiles. “Well done, darling.”

Ted looks down at the floor. “It wasn’t anything, really. I was just doing what I needed to do. I don’t deserve praise.”

Esther doesn’t look like she believes him, but she doesn’t say anything as she leaves the room to make everyone some tea. Ralph smiles weakly and leans his head against Ted’s shoulder. He doesn’t look like he believes him either.

\---

After about three hours, Ralph looks almost back to normal. His eyes are still a bit puffier than usual, but he says he feels better after Esther got the sting out of the back of his neck and cleaned the wound. She gives him some painkillers, and he slumps back against the sofa. Ted, sat beside Ralph, looks at him, and Ralph smiles.

Ralph stays at the cottage until the evening, by which point, he starts getting tired. Ted doesn’t blame him; your own body trying to kill you must be pretty draining. He doesn’t think that Ralph has the energy to walk back to the big house, and it turns out that Esther has exactly the same thought.

“Do you want to stay here for the night, darling?” She asks, her voice soft.

Yawning, Ralph smiles and says, “Y-Yes please.”

After Ralph yawns again, Ted decides they better get him to bed before he falls asleep on the sofa. Ted helps Ralph up the stairs and into the spare room. Ralph collapses onto the bed without getting undressed or even taking his shoes off. As Ted goes to leave, reaching the door, he turns his head as he hears Ralph’s voice.

“Th-Thanks, Ted,” Ralph says blearily, and Ted gets the impression that helping him up the stairs isn’t the only thing Ralph is thanking him for.

He smiles. “No problem, sir.”

“No, no, I m-mean for . . .” Ralph looks a bit tearful again; his sore eyes are shining. He sighs. “T-Ted, you, you saved m-my life. Again.”

Ted smiles weakly, finding himself strangely near tears. “Well, I wasn’t going to just let you die, was I, sir?”

“No, I s’pose n-not,” Ralph mumbles, yawning, and, just like that, he falls asleep.

Ted smiles, and hurriedly wipes his eyes before he goes back downstairs.


	4. Ralph's Turn

When Ralph looks out the window and sees smoke, his first thought is if Ted is doing a bonfire. But then it occurs to him that Ted never does bonfires on Tuesdays, so it must be something else. Curious, and wondering if he should go and help his partner with the gardening (although, in his defence, the last time he tried to help he was so cruddy at everything that Ted eventually asked him to let him do it himself), he goes to the back door, and has a closer look.

The smoke seems to be coming from the tractor, which appears to have crashed into one of the huge trees. And lying on the floor beside the tractor, is a figure. Ralph’s chest tightens as he realises that the prone, unmoving figure is Ted.

Ted, his Ted, is hurt, and he starts to feel very, very sick.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he babbles, not even realising he’s talking, stumbling into the doorframe as his legs wobble.

Without thinking, Ralph grabs the telephone and dials 999.

When he gets put through, he tries to listen to what the woman on the other end of the line is saying, but it’s difficult when he feels so panicky. He gives his name and address, and then, finally, she lets him say what has happened.

“Yes,” he says, and his voice is shaking. “M-my partner’s crashed and fallen off the tractor. I think he’s un-unconscious. He must’ve hit his head.”

Ralph listens as she tells him that an ambulance is being dispatched, but it doesn’t reassure him. She tells him to stay on the line until the ambulance arrives, but Ralph can’t wait that long. He needs to see if Ted all right. Without even letting the ambulance dispatcher finish her sentence, he puts the phone down.

Grabbing the first aid book off of the shelf, Ralph rushes out into the garden. His heart racing, he runs all the way down the lawn, heading for the tractor and Ted. As he gets closer, he sees Ted more clearly; he’s moving slightly, but he still must be badly injured.

“Ted!” He calls, trying to keep his voice level as his heart pounds with fear and a stitch digs into his side.

“Ralph?” Ted’s voice is weak and shaky, but his answer makes Ralph want to cry.

“I’m coming to help, Ted!”

When he finally reaches Ted, he has to stop to catch his breath. And then he looks at Ted, and he wants to be sick. Blood is leaking from a gash across Ted’s just above Ted’s eyebrow. He’s flat on his back, but his left arm is caught underneath his back, making his shoulder look flat and angular. His chest looks weird, like some of his ribs might be broken. His eyes are open, but he doesn’t look fully conscious.

“Ted?” Ralph whispers.

He drops to his knees beside Ted, watching his eyes move and focus on him. Ted smiles weakly, but it looks more like a grimace.

“I’ve called an ambulance. Now, where does it hurt?”

Ralph tries to keep his voice calm, but he feels like he’s about to burst into tears. His stomach is churning, and his mouth is full of saliva.

“Back of m-my neck,” Ted says shakily, and Ralph feels his stomach clench.

“Shit,” he mutters.

Ralph, his hands shaking, picks up the first aid book from where he’s dropped it on the grass, and thumbs through it. He finds the page on neck injuries, and reads through what he’s meant to do. His eyes sting with tears as he reads it; it all looks so bloody serious. Ted might have broken his neck.

“Right, Ted,” he says, putting the book down and taking a deep breath. “I think you might have a spinal cord injury.”

Ralph sees Ted’s eyes widen.

“I n-need you to make sure you don’t move your head. I’m going to hold y-your head to keep it still, and then the paramedics will put a brace on your neck for you. You’re going to b-be all right, Ted.”

A tear runs down Ralph’s cheek, but he thinks that Ted ignores it.

A little apprehensive, Ralph moves so he’s kneeling behind Ted’s head, and grasps the sides of Ted’s head, his fingers splayed over Ted’s ears so Ted can still hear. His hands are still trembling, but he manages to hold Ted’s head very still.

“The ambulance will be here soon, Ted.”

“Thank you,” Ted says, staring at his tear stained face. And then he looks slightly more like he wants to cry himself. “Don’t cry.”

The realisation that _Ted_ is comforting _him_ makes Ralph feel even worse. A tear drops off of his chin and splatters on Ted’s bloody forehead.

“I’m all right, Ted, I’ve, I’ve just got something in my eye,” he says, more tears spilling down his cheeks.

His breathing is starting to shudder, and his throat feels tight. Ted’s eyes meet his again, and he looks like he wants to say something, but doesn’t have the strength. Ted’s eyelids are starting to droop. Ralph’s breathing hitches; Ted can’t pass out, he just can’t. If he passes out, he might never...

“Ted,” he says, wishing his voice would stop shaking. “Please, you need to stay awake.”

But almost as he finishes speaking, Ted’s eyes close fully, and his tense face relaxes.

“Ted!” Ralph cries. “Ted!”

He wants to shake Ted’s shoulders, but knows that could really damage his neck. Instead, he carefully lets go of Ted’s head and picks up the first aid book again, struggling to control the violent sobs now escaping him. Even though he can barely breathe, he looks through the books and hopes beyond hope that the ambulance will get here soon.

\---

An hour later, Ralph is sat in the back of an ambulance, staring at Ted, who is lying on the bed. Ted has regained consciousness, but is so drugged up on the painkillers he’s been given that he can barely keep his eyes open, let alone speak. The paramedics spent a long time fixing a neck brace on Ted before they even dared to move him, so Ted’s head, neck and shoulders are all being help still by a massive, chunky brace. It looks uncomfortable, but Ralph knows Ted is probably more worried about other things.

“Will h-he be all right?” Ralph asks shakily, not sure he even wants the answer.

But the paramedics both smile at him.

“Well, he isn’t paralysed,” the male paramedic says. “We checked his reflexes, and he doesn’t appear to have sustained any nerve damage.”

“Which may be in part to you doing a good job at holding his head still,” the female paramedic adds, and Ralph blushes when he realises he is being complimented.

Ralph looks at Ted’s face. It looks like Ted is trying to smile, but Ralph can’t be sure.

“Can I hold his hand?” He asks.

“Yes – but don’t touch the IV,” the man says.

Carefully, Ralph leans forwards and picks up Ted’s hand. Trying his best to avoid touching the needle sticking out of the back of Ted’s hand, he interlocks their fingers. Unlike Ted’s other hand, which is covered in bruises and a couple of his fingers look like they’re broken, this hand is just a bit paler than usual. Ralph squeezes his hand tightly, tears in his eyes again, and the tears spill over when Ted weakly squeezes his hand back.

“You’re going to be all right, Ted,” he says through the tears, but he can’t quite believe his words himself; part of his mind is telling him that something is going to go wrong. He just wants them to get to hospital, and then they can make Ted better.

\---

Ted spends six hours in surgery and the recovery room, so, by the time Ralph finally gets to see him, it is getting dark. Ralph, who has been spending his time watching the rolling news on the TV on the wall and drinking coffee from the vending machine, jumps to his feet so quickly that he stumbles when a nurse comes into the waiting room and asks for Ted’s family.

“Yes, that’s me!” He cries, and she leads him through the hospital and onto a ward.

Ted must be in the side room, because that is where the nurse takes Ralph. His legs are wobbling, and he still feels rather sick. They reach the door, but, instead of opening it, the nurse stops, and turns to look at Ralph.

“I feel I need to warn you that he is still very drowsy from the anaesthetic,” she says, “so he may not be able to talk to you.”

Ralph nods, feeling sicker than ever, and follows her into the room.

Ted is lying slightly propped up on his back, apparently asleep. His left arm is in a sling and he has several stitches in his forehead. He looks much better now the blood has been washed off, but he still looks very pale. But, most strikingly, is the bizarre metal thing covering most of his head and neck. Ralph has no idea what the hell it is; it makes Ted look like his head is in a cage.

“What’ that?” Ralph asks, pointing at it.

The nurse smiles and explains how, just as Ralph feared, Ted has fractured two vertebrae in his neck, and the doctors have fitted a strange brace to keep his neck still. She tells him that it’s called a Halo Vest, which basically means Ted is wearing a tight vest under his hospital gown, which is attached to metal bars, which, in turn, are attached to a metal ring, which has been drilled into his skull around his forehead. It looks very painful, and Ralph winces.

“Is he paralysed?” He asks, still freaked out by the weird neck brace.

“No, no, he hasn’t sustained any nerve damage at all,” she says, smiling at him. Ralph smiles too, relieved. “Well, I’ll leave you two alone for a minute,” she adds, and she leaves the room.

Once the door has closed, Ralph goes and sits down next to Ted’s bed, and picks up his thankfully very warm hand. His eyes fill with tears again, and he still can’t quite believe that Ted is safe. But he is, and Ralph strokes his sleeping partner’s hand, wondering what might have happened if he hadn’t helped him in time.

\---

Three weeks after the accident, Ralph and Ted arrive home in a taxi. Ralph gets out first, and then helps Ted out of the car. His balance is messed up, so Ralph puts a hand on his arm to keep him upright as he stands unsteadily on his feet.

Slowly, they make their way into the big house, and Ralph eases Ted onto the sofa. He groans, gritting his teeth, and Ralph remembers just how much pain he is still in. He glances at the clock, knowing Ted can have some more painkillers in about half an hour. Then he sits down beside Ted, being careful not to jog him, and sighs.

“That was a bit off a faff, wasn’t it, Ted?”

Ted chuckles weakly. “It certainly was.”

Ralph is about to say something else when Ted beats him to it.

“Thank you,” he says.

Ralph frowns, a little bemused. “You’re welcome, Ted.”

“No, I mean, really, thank you, Ralph,” Ted says seriously, taking his hand, “you saved my life.”

Ralph thinks back to, on at least two occasions, the times when he said exactly the same thing to Ted.

“It’s nothing,” Ralph says, his eyes filling with tears, and Ted smiles; he obviously remembers saying that to Ralph.

Squeezing Ted’s hand, Ralph leans forward and carefully gives Ted a kiss, thinking of all the times Ted has saved his life – it must be three times by now – and knows, with a smile on his face, that it’s about time he returned the favour.


End file.
